Emails to My Sister #2: In which I discuss my feelings toward Coachella

So I'm probably gonna get a lot of flack for this retroactively when someone actually reads this blog in like two years, but what can I say? These are my grumpy, party-pooper feelings. And so, here's another edition of Emails to My Sister in which I am trying to make her feel better that someone she used to know is playing Coachella. Names and pronouns have been changed to protect the privacy of the innocent.... although after reading you can probably tell that I don't give a shit about "their" privacy.

Coachella is DUMB. That's all I have to say and all that I've ever said. Big WHOOP. They're playing a show that is mostly known for people wearing cutoff jeans, ankle boots (you are in the DESERT, people), feathers and fringe - ALL AT ONCE. Coachella is not an "either/or" situation.  

So yes. I guess I'm just not that impressed.  

However, if we ARE going to assume that Coachella is cool (which I will NOT concede), then we must consider how cool -------  is among those bands that are cool enough to be invited. Three criteria to consider: 

1) Was the band/group/performer mentioned in a major news article listing bands that people might be excited about hearing? (Who cares about them?) 

2) How big is the font for the band on the official Coachella poster? (ie. How well known are they?) 

3) What stage are they playing? (ie. How many people will want to watch them play?) 

So far, here's what I can find: 

1) MTV did NOT mention them in their release about the show. 

2) SO SMALL! On the fourth line! BELOW Lumineers, Gaslight Anthem, Portugal the Man, Japandroids and a bunch of people I've NEVER heard of. 

3) Their stage is "TBD" which means they're not big enough to have been a priority to have already been assigned a stage. 

So clearly, subjectively (in my opinion) and objectively (I just proved it scientifically in items #1,2, and 3) it is NOT a big deal that they are playing Coachella. 

Also, a new #4 I just made up: Like A MILLION bands are playing. Did they invite every band who has ever played to more than 500 people?! That's not very selective at all....

Love you!

So yeah. Everyone loves Coachella and I'm a crazy person for thinking it's not cool. No - I've never even been. I am being that judgemental. At least I'm being honest.